Lisa and her husband hadn't had sex in months so she decided on a rather radical solution.
So you've got a great marriage. There is love and respect, you laugh often when you’re together and you fight, too, but you always work it out. There's just one problem. You hardly ever have sex.
Sound familiar? You’re too busy and exhausted, right? The kids, work, the grocery shopping, cleaning the shower recess - Jesus, who feels like sex now?
Instead of obsessing about how to have sex more, or resenting the hell out of your partner and googling for your nearest marriage counsellor, I’m here to suggest an alternative plan:
Announce to your partner and kids that you are taking a ‘nap’, lock the door or barricade it with heavy furniture and booby traps, slide into bed, add some lubricant to the party - and engage in a little menage a moi.
Because when did you last do that? Butter your own muffin, I mean?
When's the last time you masturbated?
Studies show that while women are masturbating more than ever - that makes it sound like we’re at it on trains and at the hairdressers - we are still doing it less than men. Yep, there's a masturbation glass ceiling, goddamn it. Around a third of women aged 18-49 haven't masturbated in the last year, and only around 10 percent are doing it 2 or more times a week.
Teach your child about evaluating information and being critically aware of information found online. Most children use the internet to improve and develop their knowledge in relation to schoolwork and personal interests. Children should be aware that not all information
There's nothing to be ashamed of. Image: iStock.
Research has also shown that women who aren't masturbating very often are less likely to be having sex in their relationship.
Whether solo sex inspires more partner sex, or the the other way around, it certainly seems like it can't hurt to indulge on more of a regular basis - if you want to get the sexy times back in your relationship, that is.
Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and relationship expert, agrees that masturbation can reignite a sexual appetite in women, leading to a desire for more sex with your partner.
“If we are going through periods of masturbation then our genitals are being stimulated more regularly, and we’re getting excited and turned on, we may actually be more likely to be wanting and craving sex with our partner than the usual ‘ugh, tonight?’," she says.
So say you take my advice and you’re masturbating more
You’ve become an expert in the ol’ ‘mummy’s taking a nap/actually having multiple orgasms’ fiasco. You're feeling sexier, more relaxed and on the whole your sex cup is getting fuller, if not overflowing.
Don't try to fix everything. Give young kids a chance to find their own solutions. When you lovingly acknowledge a child's minor frustrations without immediately rushing in to save her, you teach her self-reliance and resilience.
Now is that actually translating into more partner action in the bedroom? Not if you’re not letting you partner in on your new found pleasure sessions.
Let your sex drive overflow. Image: 'When Harry Met Sally'.
Does more masturbation equal more sex?
Dr Goldstein stresses the need to be open with your partner about masturbation and turn it into something exciting and sexual between you. Maybe your partner is downstairs on the computer, the kids are asleep and there might be a window for a quickie. As you head to the bedroom you could ever so casually mention the following:
"'I just want you to know, I'm going to be upstairs touching myself - so I'm all ready to go when you want to come to bed, OK honey?’”
Then watch him try to finish paying that electricity bill.
Dr Goldstein says you can raise the anticipation by texting your partner from the bedroom, too. Let your partner know exactly what you're doing, tell him there's no rush, but you’re here when he’s ready.
Do it alone ... together. Image: iStock.
This by no means suggests that you don’t indulge in foreplay when he gets there, or that your partner is now allowed to parachute in, penis first, for immediate intercourse. Unless that's what you want, of course! But if you haven't had intercourse for some time, then touching each other and mutual masturbation might be all you are up for - again communicating what you want is key. But by starting on yourself, you are taking control of your own desire for pleasure and initiating sex, rather than waiting for your partner to make the first move.
Explain to your kids why values are important. The simple answer: When you're kind, generous, honest, and respectful, you make the people around you feel good. More important, you feel good about yourself.
Women are taking control
Dr Goldstein says that women are gradually taking more control of their own sexual gratification in relationships.
“Female sexuality used to be seen as something that women would give away, hence the terms ‘losing your virginity’, or ‘giving your flower to someone’," she says.
"For a lot of women, they have never actually taken that pure sexual pleasure and said this is mine, this is something that belongs to me, something that I have control over. For many years I have heard women say ‘he didn't give me an orgasm’. Well, was it his responsibility to give you an orgasm, or was it your responsibility to tell him ‘this is how I achieve pleasure, and this is how I like it’?.”
Right on, doc.
One last thing though - just don’t accidentally send that sext message to your mother-in-law.
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