Note: Behaving ethically means taking action in the right way for the situation. It takes practice not only to see (perceive) the ethical demands of a situation but to act in the right way. We often face situations of behavior uncertainly, even though we see the need for action. I describe a case of my own.
I heard the toddler wail across the store. He kept up his protest as we passed him in a cart along the checkout lines. He sounded both angry and heartbroken. After our purchases, he was still upset, tears leaping from his eyes as he cried sitting next to his mother in a booth. She asked him if he wanted to try his pizza. Distressed, we walked on by, not knowing what to do. I now consider that an ethical failure. I became haunted by my failure to help.
The Dangers of Spanking a Baby
Emotions are key adaptations that guide our life. But they must be trained well to work wisely as guides. Learning to trust that ‘funny feeling’ in your stomach can save you from a bad relationship or a bad situation.
Children under 6 need help with their emotions. Early experience is the training ground for emotions. Will the parent encourage joy, building that into their personality? Will the parent take the child’s emotions as cues for the child’s unique spirit and encourage that spirit to grow, guiding the child in respecting their own emotions? Or will the parent frustrate the child’s urges for growth routinely, building in resentment and anger? Will the parent ignore the child’s emotions (thinking that will help control them), teaching the child to ignore their own emotional cues, leaving them underdeveloped in emotional intelligence?
Let your kids fail. To learn self-sufficiency, kids need to occasionally dust themselves off (literally and figuratively) without your help. "Most parents know what their children are capable of but step in to make things easier for them," says Sheri Noga, the author of Have the Guts to Do It Right: Raising Grateful and Responsible Children in an Era of Indulgence. Remember: Long-term benefits—a teenager who knows how to do her own laundry, for example—trump momentary discomfort. Before you rush in to help with any physical task, ask yourself: "Is my child in real danger?" Then—and this applies to other challenges, like the social studies poster due tomorrow—think about whether your child has the necessary skills (dexterity and balance) or simply adequate sleep and a snack. Yes? Time to back off and see what happens.
My expertise in neurobiology and the development of human morality make me sensitive to the needs of young children and the possible harm they are experiencing when they are highly distressed. Extensive distress does damage to developing brains, leaving long term marks on brain function, like a hyperreactive stress response (Lupien et al., 2006), which undermines sociomoral functioning (Narvaez, 2014). Because thousands of synapses are developing every minute in a young child , one never knows what distress is altering in normal development.
The parent and regular caregivers are like orchestra conductors. They wave up or wave down emotions depending on their treatment of the child: Sturm und drang (storm and stress) or calm and quiet? If adults don’t follow the child’s cues and interests but frustrate them deeply and routinely (even unintentionally) they can foster a personality oriented to storm and stress.
Trauma Touches Every Child
Children don’t have built-in emotional controls. They need adult help in learning to calm down an emotion. The younger the child, the more help is needed for self-regulation. This does not mean simply punishing them for acting inappropriately, “so that they learn to behave.” No, child development doesn’t work that way. That would be instead be the squelching of a child’s development—like stomping on a young plant growing in your garden.
The child in the store was signaling deep distress and the mother was ignoring it. Psychologists call this unresponsive. Responsive relationships in early life are correlated longitudinally with secure attachment, mental health and moral capacities like empathy, self control and conscience (e.g., Kochanska, 2002; Sroufe et al., 2008).
Acknowledge your kid's strong emotions. When your child's meltdown is over, ask him, "How did that feel?" and "What do you think would make it better?" Then listen to him. He'll recover from a tantrum more easily if you let him talk it out.
In this case it could be that something he got attached to in the store was taken away, explaining his anger. But his heartbrokenness may have come from his mother ignoring his distress entirely—perhaps she was feeling embarrassed and thought ignoring would calm things down more quickly. Or perhaps she took an iPhone away from him and feels like she has done the right thing. She was focused on something other than his need for help to be recognized and calmed down.
So what is an outsider to do? What is wrong with just walking by?
In our ancestral context, children grow up in a community of responsive relationships 24/7. For over 99% of our species' history, mothers and their children have been supported by other community members. Children thrive within a 'village’ of caring supporters. If a particular caregiver is preoccupied with something else, there is someone else around to whom the child can turn for comfort or play, or who will step in to alleviate distress. Most children in advanced economies are missing out on this web of constancy provided by familiar caregivers day and night.
Abide by the three rules of homework. Number one: "Eat the frog," says Ted Theodorou, a middle-school social studies teacher in Fairfax County, Virginia. That's shorthand for "Do the hardest thing first." Rule number two: Put away the phone. Homework time can't be totally tech-free (computers, alas, are often a necessary evil), but it can at least be free of text messages. Rule number three: As soon as assignments are finished, load up the backpack for tomorrow and place it by the door. This is a clear three-step process that kids can internalize, so there's less nagging from you. (Yes!)
From a species-normal perspective, this child was being harmed by the lack of community support (for child and for mother). This kind of support grows the sense of belonging and trust children need to build a good life, but also the parent’s sense of support for being responsive to the needs of the child.
So what should I have done?
Being a stranger, the young child would not turn to me, or anyone else, in the store. But the child could be comforted indirectly. A child in a heartbroken meltdown needs a witness.
This is what I think I should have done:
Walk up to the child and mother and say: I’m a psychologist. I’m concerned about this child’s wellbeing . Tell the child in a calm voice: It’s okay. You will be all right. Then, turn to the mother (but keep turning to the child with reassurance) and represent the child’s view: The child needs comforting. He is unable to calm down without your comfort. He feels abandoned emotionally. To alleviate that pain, he needs comforting—comforting conversation, comforting touch.
In my experience intervening in other situations with distressed children, the parent usually will take in the advice and act differently. For example, when I found a very young baby distressed in a grocery cart while her family was down the aisle, I spoke directly to the baby, telling him that his family loved him. The family came back and heard me and asked, "Isn't okay to let babies cry?" I explained that no, it is not a good idea to distress a baby whose brain is scheduled to grow thousands of synapses a second. Stress shuts down that growth. They were glad to learn that babies are highly immature and need loving attention to grow well.
Don't accept disrespect from your child. Never allow her to be rude or say hurtful things to you or anyone else. If she does, tell her firmly that you will not tolerate any form of disrespect.
But if the parent doesn’t respond receptively, then you can reflect back to her what she says (e.g., “you’re feeling frustrated with your child” “you want me to leave you alone” ) but repeat your concern for the child’s wellbeing. At the very least, the child will have had a witness .
What do you think should have been done? What would you have done?