Source: MaxPixels, Public Domain
Even with a typical child, parenting is hard and important. It’s ironic that schools prefer to teach geometry and chemistry but not parenting.
Here are thoughts and sample dialogues on common critical incidents in parenting. After, I list some undergirding principles.
Your baby won’t stop crying
Play detective: Are their signs that the crying's cause is fatigue, wet diaper, hunger, illness, or a not discernible cause. Alas, the latter often occurs. In such cases, it can't hurt to try consoling the baby with a hug, perhaps while rocking or walking with the baby. If that doesn’t work, you may just have to accept—easier said than done— that inexplicable crying is one of parenting’s challenges.
Of course, if the crying persists, try another tactic, whether hugging, feeding, rocking the baby to sleep, lowering the lights, playing music, or contacting your baby’s health care provider. Hitting, however, should not be an option. It may seem like the baby is spiting you but no! Nearly every expert agrees that corporal punishment is a no-no. At best, it yields short-term compliance but contributes to long-term defiance and conveys the message that violence is an appropriate response to annoyance.
Use your intuition to decide whether this crying jag is normal for your child or is a sign of illness that’s worth an email or call to your health care provider. I wish I could be more specific regarding how long to wait before changing tactics but children, indeed all of us, are so variable that it seems wise to simply ask you to rely on your judgment, which will get ever better the more you're observant of your child’s behavior patterns.
Getting your child to do homework...well!
The classic fight between parent and school-age child is about homework:
“No, you can’t play video games until you get your homework done!”
“Aw please, just a half hour!”
The child then slops through the homework and says, “Done!,” waves it in from of the parent and starts playing Fortnight if not Grand Theft Auto.
It’s usually better to treat the cause than the symptom. So, if you haven’t already, it may be time to have an age-appropriate chat about why it’s worth doing homework carefully. Of course, word it as appropriate for your child. Here’s a sample dialogue with a middle-school child.
Explain to your kids why values are important. The simple answer: When you're kind, generous, honest, and respectful, you make the people around you feel good. More important, you feel good about yourself.
Parent: I suspect you’ll hate this conversation but it’s important.
Parent: It’s not that bad. Most kids dislike doing homework yet teachers keep giving it, so there must be reasons. I’ll tick ‘em off one at a time and you tell me if you think it makes sense. First, homework gives you more learning time, so you learn more. Make sense?
Child: I already learn plenty.
Parent rolls eyes with an impish smile. The goal is to plant seeds, not expect an “Oh, you’re so right, mom!”
2. Getting in the habit of working on your own without the teacher or parent staring at you is important. As an adult, you’ll have to do that all the time.
Child. It’s a long time 'tiI I’m a grown-up.
Parent: True but if you get into the habit of not working without supervision, by the time you’re adult, it will be really hard to change. Much better to start now.
Child: Can I go now?
Parent: Yes (with that impish smile)...to do your homework
Of course, a preemptive conversation won’t always prevent your child wanting to avoid homework, but having given your child reasonable reasons (perhaps multiple times), the fight over homework can be briefer and less contentious.
For example, as soon as Junior returned from school, he dropped off his books and, basketball, under arm, yells back, “Mom I’ll be back by 6, dinner time!” Sample dialogue:
Parent: I guess you have no homework. (A pleasantly delivered sarcastic joke takes the edge off and reduces oppositionality.)
Child: I’ll do it when i get home.
Parent: Okay, I can understand that after sitting in school all day, you need to get out (reasonableness trumps sticking to your guns ) but if you wait to do it until after dinner, you’ll have food coma and be less likely to do it, let alone do it well. How much homework do you have if you were to do it well?
Child: About an hour, I guess.
Parent: Okay, be back by five. Do your homework and then you can have dinner guilt-free and afterwards, be free to do what you want.
Child: Come on, ma!
Parent (with a pleasant, roll-the-eyes grin ): See you at 5!
The child returns at 5:20.
Parent: (with the impish grin) Your watch is slow?
Child: Gimme a break.
Parent: Now you’ve made us wait for dinner until you’ve finished the homework. (Invoking guilt is potent and an often appropriate inculcation of intrinsic motivation.) It’s usually less wise to, for example, say, “Okay, work until 6 and do the other 20 minutes after dinner.” That rewards the tardiness. Of course, we’re all human and such a response is not a mortal sin.
Additionally, inasmuch as they probably believe their extroverted lifestyle has operated well for them, that it’s the only “right” way to go, they’ll naturally assume their child would be best served by following their lead—that, as good, responsible parents, they need to figure out how to set limits on their child’s introversion.
The parent peeks in at 5:45 to see Junior on the phone and he’s not talking about homework. The parent needn’t say anything. The child knows what you’ll say. Looking him in the eye with that impish grin or perhaps a more serious one is usually all that’s required. The parent doesn’t leave until he’s off the phone, whereupon...
Child: My homework is boring!
Parent: I understand, but part of being a responsible person is doing things we find boring.
Child: Also, it’s hard.
Parent: Honestly, do you think it’s wise to try to figure it out yourself or do you really need a minute’s help to get you over the hump?”
Give only that bit of help needed for the child to move on by him or herself. Doing homework for the child teaches all the wrong lessons.
Ensuring your child has good friends
Some parents have a child who’s attracted to “the wrong crowd.” If so, here’s a sample preemptive conversation:
Parent: I’m guessing you know why I don’t like Anthony.
Parent: You’re smart. Why?
Child: Because he dresses weird?
Parent: That’s only a symptom of the larger problem. Why do you think he worries me?
Don’t be too critical towards your child’s exploration of the Internet. Children may come across adult material by accident on the web. Also, a child may intentionally search for such websites; remember that it is natural for children to be curious about off-limits material. Try to use this as an opening to discuss the content with them, and perhaps make rules for this kind of activity. Be realistic in your assessment of how your child uses the internet.
Child: Because you think I’ll be a weed-smoking goof-off like him. I won’t! I like him—He’s funny and has guts.
Parent: I gotta tell you I’d be worried if you spent much time with him and his look-alike, act-alike buddies. Are there any kids in your class whom you like and who you think I’d like and was a good influence on you?
Child: I dunno.
Parent: There’s got to be someone.
Child: David maybe.
Parent; I don’t know him but would you like him to come over and play with you after school or on the weekend, maybe a video game?
Child: I don’t think he plays video games.
Parent: Any idea of what he and you might enjoy doing together?
Child: He’s into his telescope. He’s always talking about the stars and planets.
Parent: Maybe he could bring it over here one evening and we all could look through his telescope.
Child: I’ll think about it.
Stemming Substance Abuse
Few behaviors scare parents more than the thought that their child is abusing drugs. Especially because the teen brain is still developing, substance abuse at that age can have long-lasting, difficult-to-reverse consequences.
Because of space limitation, I won’t offer a sample preemptive talk here but rather, one when there is evidence of abuse.
The parent should choose a time when both parent and child are likely to be in a good mood and not distracted, perhaps a Saturday morning.
Parent: This is kind of serious, so we need to talk. Want to sit down or take a walk? (Giving two choices, both acceptable to the parent, is usually helpful.)
Child: Take a walk, I guess.
Parent: I won’t keep you in suspense. It seems pretty clear to me you’ve got a substance abuse problem. I understand why you might want to deny it—It’s scary to admit it to yourself let alone to me, but I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t address it with you.
Child. I don’t do drugs. Yeah, I tried a little weed but I do not have a problem.
Parent: I’m not going to press you but, for now, I want you to know I’m worried, okay, quite worried, and if and when you want to talk about it or see a counselor about it, that would be great.
Child. I don’t do drugs. (The child runs away.)
The parent has planted the seed and hopefully the child will, when feeling brave or scared about the problem, come to talk with the parent. Of course, that doesn’t always occur. So, if further signs of substance abuse appear and it’s beyond what you feel you can address, it’s time to consult a specialist.
Why Won't You Talk To Me?
Dealing with ticklish sex topics
Even though it can feel awkward, candid parent-teen communication about sexuality is usually wise. Here’s a common ticklish scenario and how a parent with fairly liberal sexual values might handle it:
Parent: You’ve been spending a lot of time with Jeff.
Parent: Typical worry-wart parent that I am, I feel it’s time to have one of those awkward parent-child sex talks.
Child: Do we really have to?
Parent: Let’s give it a shot. Sometimes, both romantic partners want the same thing, for example, to enjoy going to first or second base but not all the way. In those cases, no problem. But often, only one partner wants to get more intimate, or one partner views deep physical intimacy as merely a sex act while the other partner gives it deeper emotional significance. Are you and Jeff in sync?
Of course, it’s possible the child won’t want to talk about it in which case, as in the previous examples, you’ve planted a seed, this time by saying, “I’m here if and when you want to talk?” But let’s assume s/he does want to talk.
Child: Well, to be honest, Jeff wants to go all the way and I’m not ready but I feel a little guilty and also, I don’t want to feel like a prude. Most of my friends are, let’s just say, not prudes.
Parent: Well, how does Jeff react when you tell or show him that you want to set limits.
Tina Fey (mom to daughter Alice): “I think every working mom probably feels the same thing: You go through big chunks of time where you’re just thinking, ‘This is impossible - oh, this is impossible.’ And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.”
Child: He’s not a jerk. I mean he doesn’t push himself on me or guilt-trip me with crap like, “If you loved me, you would.” He just says love making is a beautiful thing and that we’re missing out.
Parent. It can be a beautiful thing, but for it to be, you both need to feel good about it. You probably are right in waiting until it feels right.
Child: I’m afraid I might lose him if I keep waiting.
Parent: It’s possible. I guess you have to decide if and when it’s worth taking that next step. Of course, even if you did take that step and regretted it, it’s not the end of the world. It might help to rehearse that possibility in your mind, so if it happens, you’re not devastated for a long time.
Child: That’s rational but I’m afraid that if we did it and then he broke up, it would hurt for a long time.
Parent: I understand.
Parent: Have you thought about birth control, both to prevent pregnancy and STDs?
Child: I’m not there yet.
Parent: I know that, but in the moment, if you decide to have intercourse, it could be hard to say, hold on, I need to go to Planned Parenthood for birth control. So, even if it’s a small chance you might want to do it, should you at least visit the Planned Parenthood website and read-up?
Child. I guess.
Parent: Anything else you want to say or ask for now?
Child: I think it’s enough for one session. More than enough!
Parent hugs child.
Helping with your child’s college and career planning
Your child’s workspan will likely see increased automation, off-shoring, part-timing and temping, the so-called gig economy. That raises the stakes for your child’s career planning or lack thereof. If you’re lucky, you have a child who has it all together, for example, has been learning artificial intelligence software engineering from parturition. Here’s a more common situation:
Parent: I hate nagging you but...
Child. Yeah I know, “How come I’m not working on my college applications?”
Parent: You don’t even know which colleges you want to apply to yet.
Child: I do know:. I’ll apply to State U and I don’t get in, I’ll go to community college.
Parent: Sometimes, when a kid procrastinates the college process, it’s because he’s not sure he wants to go or why he should go?
Child: I’m going because that’s what you do if you want a decent job.
Parent: It’s true that, on average, college grads make more money but you’ve struggled to Bs and Cs in high school, so in college, you could end up one of the many kids who drops out, with a mountain of debt and bad self-esteem and no employable skill when you could have saved the money, built the self-esteem, and be more employable if you did an apprenticeship program.
Talking With Your Child
Child: Only really dumb kids don’t go to college.
Parents. That’s not true. Kids who do apprenticeships are generally people who learn better in a practical, real-world setting than in a classroom.
Child: I do hate sitting an a classroom. I’ve been doing it for 12 years!
Parent: Would I be a pushy parent if I said let’s go to the computer and look, yes at the State U website and community college website to see what they offer, but also to google “California apprenticeships” to see if you might be interested in that?” And who knows, if you don’t kill me, I hear there’s a cool website, mynextmove.org that helps teens find well-suited careers and then links you to schools that train for you that.
The following principles are embedded above. Not surprisingly, they can be applied to other situations.
Maintain an experimental mindset. People and situations are too variable to have many definitive parenting rules. Short of corporal punishment or any severe punishment for that matter, try different approaches to what works.
Focus on building intrinsic motivation. Before resorting to rewards and punishments, try to gain good behavior by explaining rather than ordering and, as needed, by Invoking guilt, for example, “I’m a little surprised. You usually have such good judgment." Invoking guilt has an undeserved bad reputation. Framed more properly, invoking guilt is instilling an intrinsic sense of responsibility.
Set moderate limits. Overly restrictive, risk-averse parents increase risk of the child rebelling dangerously, feeling long-term anger toward and lack of trust of the parent, and can reduce the child’s sense of self-efficacy, But conversely, children, even adults, need and welcome moderate limits. Of course, kids with good judgment need fewer restrictions; others need more. Parenting doesn’t come in one-size-fits-all.
Related: The Real Joys of Being a Mom
With problems, be focused but not mean. Your child needs to feel you’re on the same side of the table, that your concerns and actions are about trying to help the child, not to arbitrarily get your way. Being focused but not mean typically manifests in crisp requests or orders presented concisely, if needed, explaining the reason for the request, all usually leavened with humor, a lilt in your voice, and perhaps ending with a hug.