This is my favourite thing about being raised in Africa: we don't do labels very well; we don't do this, 'Oh, you're a Democrat; oh, you're a Republican.' Because we live in the real world. —Dambisa Moyo
Unfortunately, many of us have developed corrosive habits in how we relate to ourselves, and others. It's critically important that we approach this conversation with curiosity rather than criticism, to avoid perpetrating a vicious cycle, though it is often hard to avoid pangs of regret when trying to figure out how to do a better job. It's challenging, especially early on, to tolerate the shameful and painful emotions which can come up when we really start to work on issues, and even more challenging early on to be grateful for the opportunities we give ourselves.
The road to hell is paved with overly simplistic labels
Counterproductive habits show up in many ways, typically unconsciously shaping our choices so that we repetitively feel bad and get into negative situations without quite knowing why. In the absence of self-awareness, when we feel incapable of doing anything well, it’s much harder to see possibilities for realistic positive change. It's pretty much also impossible to stay with the details of what is going on so we can sort things out. One way we can begin to pay attention is by catching the words we use during self-talk, the labels we use with ourselves and others when we are coming from more toxic places.
Know when to toilet train. Look for these two signs that your child is ready to use the potty: He senses the urge to pee and poop (this is different from knowing that he's already gone), and he asks for a diaper change.
These words are easy to use, coming to mind in a jiffy, and often are what we heard growing up. They are words which offer quick fixes for complex problems, are are accompanied by feelings of moral judgment, hatred and utter rejection. Rather than understanding the nuance and creating bridges for understanding and communication, such labeling reflects underlying either-or thinking, generally fragmenting us apart from ourselves and each other in an act of linguistic violence. These are dividing words, misunderstanding concepts, rather than language which joins and deepens mutuality and self-relationship. You can recognize these labels by the mental state you are in when you use them, and how they roll of the tongue with terrifying fluid ease, and by the damage we often immediately realize has been done. Editing out words isn't enough, and can backfire in censorship and political correctness, but holding back from doing violence in relationships with oneself and others is a good place to start healing.
Setting Limits with Teens and Preteens
Labels which lead us astray
There’s a lot more to it, of course, but let’s look at some of the common terms we use when we give ourselves and others a hard time, what they seem to mean, what they “really” mean, and alternative approaches:
1. Lazy: People use this word a lot, when we haven’t done something we think we should have done, or we use this word on someone else. “You’re just being lazy” It seems to mean there is something wrong with you because you are incapable of hard work, or don’t desire to do hard work, or both. It suggests the person is deficient in some fundamental and unfixable way, an object of scorn and disgust. It lets everyone off the hook for looking into what is really going on, often serving to cover-up an embarrassing issues such as learning differences, personal stress, or even more profound problems. When the label “lazy” comes to mind, hit pause, and ask what may be going on. Focus on working out what is possible, and focus on specific feedback and goals which can actually be accomplished, building empowerment and self-efficacy rather than undermining them.
Say "I love you" whenever you feel it, even if it's 743 times a day. You simply can not spoil a child with too many mushy words of affection and too many smooches. Not possible.
2. Bored. When we succumb to boredom, we are seriously selling ourselves short. “I’m bored!” is a familiar complaint of over-stimulated children, and increasingly, adults. When we find ourselves bored, it usually means there are underlying emotions we are not in touch with, often times deep anxiety about how we are using our time. Rather than engaging with the anxiety, it’s easy enough to jump to boredom as a facile explanation for why we feel stuck and a way to avoid engaging with the more thorny issue of how we spend our time, and why we may be having difficulty identifying and pursuing activities about which we are curious and perhaps even passionate.
Many times this sort of problem identifying and engaging with what is important goes back to problems with self-worth and a habit of sacrificing one’s own needs in deference to others. Using boredom this way is usually associated with having one’s mind go blank. We become unable to think about anything other than being bored, effectively preventing us from getting out of the boredom and paralysis.
3. Hypocrite. This one is important because condemning oneself or others as hypocritical is a way to deal with difficult or seemingly impossible conflicts to reconcile. When we assume that we must have only one point of view, that we cannot be “of two minds” about something, undecided or otherwise not at a point of clarity, it’s easy to get rid of the tension required to hold contrasting perspectives with an accusation of duplicity and moral breakdown. While hypocrisy surely is real, we call things hypocritical more often than when they actually are because of how easy it makes it to deal with issues in the short-run.
When this word springs to mind, adopt an attitude of patient examination. Look at multiple sides of the issues, and remember that there is a context. Moral values and ethical decisions change a lot from situation to situation. Identify the different sides of the apparent hypocrisy, and consider in what contexts would those different perspectives apply. A lot of the time, simply doing this is enough to put the conflict on the path to resolution. True hypocrisy is much rarer, and we often have multiple perspectives we don't want to deal with, preferring to see ourselves as single-minded as a way to feel integrity.
Eat at least one meal as a family each day. Sitting down at the table together is a relaxed way for everyone to connect - a time to share happy news, talk about the day, or tell a silly joke. It also helps your kids develop healthy eating habits.
4. Spoiled. When we accuse ourselves and others of being spoiled, it is almost always out of anger and frustration, over-simplifying the underlying issues with a criticizing label. Now, there are surely times when someone has become “spoiled”, in the sense that they have become accustomed to having things too easily available, in the absence of linking reward with appropriate effort. Many times, part of the frustration is our own guilt projected onto the person we have allowed to become spoiled. Rather than taking responsibility without blame, because we have difficulty sitting with painful feelings for example of regret and frustration with ourselves, it is easier to jump to the idea of being spoiled as a catch-all explanation for more complex behaviors.
It is easier to ascribe spoiledness as a fatal individual flaw, rather than to understand how being spoiled is actually the result of a complex relationship process, whether than dynamic plays out internally in self-labeling, or externally with close others. One helpful step to get out of this particular trap is to consider what the heartfelt, authentic desire or need is hidden within the spoiled behavior. Often it simply comes down to needing recognition or love, from oneself and others, but the spoiled and demanding behavior from ourselves and others sadly and paradoxically gets in the way of getting what we really need.
5. Selfish. The ultimate self- and other-effacing label is, in many regards, labeling legitimate needs as being selfish. This typically has childhood roots, where parents told us we were selfish when our needs were generally normal needs that children have because dealing with the child’s needs was inconvenient or otherwise difficult for under-resourced parents. Sometimes parents who are quick to label children as spoiled are emotionally under-resourced, and there is often an intergenerational trauma component, and sometimes it is a matter of circumstance (such as financial strain).
Rather than taking the time and reflecting together on difficult issues, “You’re being selfish” is deployed to skirt mutual recognition of difficulty balancing the needs of multiple parties. When we do this with ourselves, labeling ourselves as selfish when we have legitimate needs, we do violence against ourselves and undermine both healthy self-care behaviors as well as reinforcing a sense of being a bad person--and perpetuating a vicious cycle.
Kiss and hug your spouse in front of the kids. Your marriage is the only example your child has of what an intimate relationship looks, feels, and sounds like. So it's your job to set a great standard.
When opportunity knocks
These are the main labels that I find people use, and I’ve noticed I have used, when I am short-changing myself and others. They are different from on another, but they have a few things in common: they are all ways to avoid dealing with a more complicated issue, either in relationships with other people, and in how we relate to ourselves. They signify an underlying dysfunctional pattern in relationships, particularly when they are used more routinely (rather than rarely and superficially). They all do violence to relationships, driving us apart from one another and creating harmful gaps in our self-relationship.
Most importantly, they are opportunities for positive change. When we notice we are using these labels, or hearing them used, it’s a good time to slow down, hit the emotional pause button, and get real, real curious. It is a chance to make better choices about how to move forward, allowing for more mutual communication internally and with others, greater compassion and forgiveness with oneself and others, and the possibility of choosing a different path forward.